Humor Quotes · Page 259

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

— Anthony Jeselnik

“I had a quack in the floor. So, I had to use ductile.”

— Andrew Sturm

“I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.”

— Anonymous

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

— Steven Wright

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.

— Jerry Lewis

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have commited suicide.

— Tonirose

I love comedy, and I think that's sort of what comes naturally to me.

— Lauren Miller

I had these slinky eyes and a sense of humor.

— Myrna Loy

If you really love someone, you shouldn't have to work at it, you finish each others' sentences and have the same sense…

— Vanessa Hudgens

Humor helps us get through life with a modicum of grace. It offers one of the few benign ways of coping with…

— Diane Keaton

“She wanted a degree in business technology, not to be the next freaking Nora Roberts.”

— Mari Carr

I think my life has everything, you know; it has comedy, has drama, has action.

— Cesar Millan

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

— Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The whole point about laughter is it's like mercury: you can't catch it, you can't catch what motivates it - that's why…

— Mike Nichols

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at…

— Marc Maron

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

— Jim Gaffigan

“The profilers’ plan to coax me out of the woods resembled a comedy skit. During their search of my Cane Creek trailer,…

— Eric Rudolph

“Simon laughed heartily. “I’m afraid the rest of us have to find talents to get our women into bed. Of course once…

— Dannika Dark

“I bought a big-ass house and haven't decorated it yet," Psycho replied defensively. "Patio furniture looks good in my living room. I…

— Kate Angell

“I thought the assassin was moving kind of slow for an assassin. Maybe the magic had done something after all. Or maybe…

— Cassandra Rose Clarke

Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone. Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that…

— Maya Angelou

We call them Twinkies. You've seen them on television acting the news, modeling and fracturing the news while you wonder whether they've…

— Linda Ellerbee

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to…

— Doug Stanhope

“But, um, I kind of wondered if I could have your phone number, so I can call you when we're out of…

— Ned Vizzini

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

— Steve Martin

“Life is like a marathon, when it's over you're out of breath.”

— Alana Delgado

Meaning of LOL;Before laughing Out Loud.Now:lack of Laughter

— Sniper Alpacino

I HAVE a sense of humor! I laugh at Tony Danza.

— Hank Hill

“The fans are on, let's see which way the shit blows.”

— B.V. Larson

On a scale of Voldemort to Pinocchio, how Nosy are you?

— Anonymous

“The world requires me to re-write its wretched dialogue!”

— Richard Greenberg

“My favorite quote in the world is this one.”

— Richelle E. Goodrich

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

— Bill Bailey

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.

— Jerry Seinfeld

Throughout history, great leaders have known the power of humor.

— Allen Klein

“Comedy is the finest drug, laughter is the best medicine.”

— D.M. Jarrett

I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two million dollars.

— Mark Twain

“Get out of bed and feed me already, person!”

— Rachel Cohn David Levithan

“Somebody has been fuckin my watermelons.”

— Cormac McCarthy

“His nostrils flared, he was breathing like a picadored bull.”

— Jerry Spinelli