Humor Quotes · Page 109

“A domesticated man makes my lady parts beep!”

— Comic Strip Mama

I love comedy, but it's dramas that stick with me.

— Bill Hader

I never considered myself a funny person.

— Tricky

“Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely.”

— Bill McKean

I want to stay proactive and keep having funny material online.

— Lamorne Morris

The chip that functions abnormally will be desoldered, as they say.

— Charles Stross

“Songwriting is a bitch. And then it has puppies”

— Steven Tyler

“If all the world's a stage, then it's missing a few planks.”

— John Fogarty

“You can do this, Adria. Don't wolf-out on me, especially not in my lap, alright? These are my favorite jeans.”

— J.A. Redmerski

“But that’s the thing about dead people: they can’t warn you to keep your nose out of things that are going to…

— LynDee Walker

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

— Chic Murray

Accents are funny. It sets me apart from the other girls doing comedy. It gives me more—how do you say?—pop-oo-laaarrrity.

— Sofia Vergara

TOP 4 WISHES 1. To earn money without working. 2. To be smart without studying. 3. To love without being hurt. 4. To eat without getting fat.

— Unkown

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

— Christopher Moore

“- John is a dangerous fanatic. - And you are not ? - asked Dagon. - I'm just dangerous.”

— Michael Scott

“CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG.”

— Andrew Hussie

My sister was very, very beautiful and I was very not. Doing comedy is the greatest thing ever because you don't have…

— Nikki Glaser

“Ah yes…” He made an exaggerated nod. “I was supposed to be filling you in on Nangí’s story.” He winked at me…

— M.A. George

“She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded…

— Ilona Andrews

“You want me to invite him to dinner.” “I want you to invite him to dinner,” she agreed. “You know,” he said,…

— Matthew Haldeman-Time

I think humor is key [to a successful middle-grade novel]. Kids like to read for entertainment, and the best way to entertain…

— Jeff Kinney

God does not work salvation for fictitious sinners. Be a sinner and sin vigorously... Do not for a moment imagine that this…

— Martin Luther

“I laughed as he twirled me around. “You can’t dance.” “Maybe not, but you can’t either!” He dipped me back so far…

— Elicia Hyder

“But, you're just a girl!" Ben said, his eyes widening with suprise and indignation. The green eyes glanced downwards and before he…

— Richard Denning

There is something funny about sports.

— Nate Bargatze

If you want to make god laugh, make a plan.

— Jay Baruchel

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

— Anonymous

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

— Anonymous

“And that is why You do not trifle with the Master of the Domain.”

— Sherry Thomas

“You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.”

— Buffy Andrews

“Want to make God laugh? Tell him you have a plan.”

— Mimi Strong

Good things come to those who wait in ambush.

— Rock Cowles

“Just think of them as your little pets.”

— Renata Suerth

“If wishes were horses, what the heck would I need wishes for?”

— Elisabeth Wheatley

I need a man with a good sense of humor and a kind heart.

— Joanna Krupa

“A comedy that has been divide in two can never be Restored”

— Jun Mochizuki

The suicide bombings have increased. There's too many of them.

— George W. Bush

When you lose your hands, you can't play baseball.

— Jerry Coleman

Behind every girl… Is a guy staring at her Ass.

— Emilio Vasquez

I always become the most religious person the day before a test.

— Anonymous