Funny Quotes · Page 884

Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half

— Azgraybebly Joslan

204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet I can't find a decent relationship.

— Anonymous

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

— Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

— Groucho Marx

My mother was very funny. My dad had a great sense of humor. My grandmother, too.

— Carol Burnett

True faith begins with true repentance for whatever we have been doing that is wrong.

— Rick Joyner

Did you buy your pants on sale? Cause in my room they'd be 100% off.

— Mitchell Sakundiak

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

— Natasha Leggero

“Alex?” I told him yes. “You’re my translator, right?” I asked him to be slow, because I could not understand him. In…

— Jonathan Safran Foer

“I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of…

— Jonathan Ashworth

Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the…

— John Paxson

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing…

— Jay Leno

A lot of stand-up comedians are actually very insecure, and they come on slightly battling the audience. They want to be the…

— Stephen Merchant

“It is best if the guard is in love with America and wants to overawe the American by being a premium guard.…

— Jonathan Safran Foer

When Dad died in 1998, it really hit my confidence - he'd helped me write and he thought I was really funny,…

— Dolly Wells

Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it…

— George Mikes

When someone say's I like your shirt.. I look down to see what I'm wearing.

— Anonymous

Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.

— Tucker Carlson

When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 15.

— Anonymous

If you love what you do and are willing to do what it takes, it's within your reach.

— Steve Wozniak

Congratulstions on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.

— Yogi Berra

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

— Chelsea Handler

We used to have to convince people we were funny, and it didn't always work.

— Julian Barratt

Get comfortable with the idea that you won’t know what’s good until it’s already happened.

— Jad Abumrad

Ever looked back at your ex and asked yourself was I drunk the entire relationship?

— Anonymous

Some ladies who play hard to get will eventually pray hard to get a husband.

— Anonymous

Fats - very funny man, but every note that he played was like a pearl.

— Cecil Taylor

But for failing love on our part, therefore is all our travail.

— Julian of Norwich

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

— George Carlin

The brilliance of Adam Scott is that he is so damn funny in a straight man role.

— Rob Thomas

Something is going on everywhere, most of which no one understands.

— Janet Morris

I have often thought that when I do die it will be of sheer boredom...

— Christopher Hitchens

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.

— Norm MacDonald

It's a funny habit to write encyclopedia entries. It's not a mass taste.

— Sue Gardner

A lot of actors talk about doing their homework, but very few of them do it.

— Tony Scott

I'm really good at keeping secrets because five minutes later I forget what you told me because I don't care.

— Anonymous

That’s the funny thing about knowing you can’t have something. It makes you desperate. -Leah

— Stephenie Meyer

I Twitter quite a bit, and try to send out some funny stories.

— Lil Jon

Hearing yourself sing in the shower and wondering why the fuckk you haven't made an album yet.

— Ritu Ghatourey

I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin

— Bill Watterson