Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude? — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
When I tell a joke, I don't think about who's listening to it. I tell the jokes I think are funny. — Lee Mack Copy Share Image
Sorry in advance for my multitude of verbal gaffes about your pregnancy weight gain. — Smoochy01 Copy Share Image
I met the girl of my dreams last night, then Something Inside My Pants woke up — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment.” — Danielle Wood Copy Share Image
My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!" — Garry Shandling Copy Share Image
Sorry): I haven't been on but I admin/own a lot of sucessful pages (: SOO LIKE FOR QUOTES — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
God has created us to love and to be loved, and this is the beginning of prayer-to know that He loves me,… — Mother Teresa Copy Share Image
You can't say happiness without saying Ha, penis. I JUST DIED! Why do I find stupid things like this so funny??Oh Tumblr.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Oh, shit," said Arthur, covering his face with his hands for a moment and screwing his eyes shut."You've been co-opted.She's got you… — FayJay Copy Share Image
There was cake in the fridge and a note saying do not eat me! I ate the cake and left a new… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“When you're running a bureaucracy the best way to safeguard your job is to make sure you're the only one who knows… — Dave Sim Copy Share Image
The Midwest breeds funny, eccentric people, to varying degrees. You play shows not because you're expecting to get a record deal, but… — Patrick Carney Copy Share Image
“Merrick and I had both had tattoos, my magpie and his elephant and castle, imposed on us as…it’s a long story. A… — KJ Charles Copy Share Image
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back.. Unbelievably rude.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Hate when you go to the kitchenand know exactly what you want to find out someone already freaking finished i — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Comedy is not supposed to be funny. Its supposed to tell the truth and then that's funny. — Paula Patton Copy Share Image
When teaching your foreign girlfriend the english alphabet,its only fair you start by giving her the d — Chad Houston Copy Share Image
Banker: One who lends you an umbrella on a fine day and demands it back when it rains. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
I wish people would learn from their mistakes and not keep making the same exact ones, damaging themselves. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Sometimes you just have to sit down and ask your parents if they sold your soul. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm looking forward to your lesbian wedding and my multiple chances of catching a bouquet. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety. — Richard Pryor Copy Share Image
May your bachelorette party be so fun that you don't notice how annoyed the rest of the bar is. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
As society has changed, what had formerly been unacceptable has become colourful. — Iggy Pop Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you finish a TV series and don't know what to do with your life anymore.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Thank you adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.” — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
