My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Are the things around you helping you toward success, or are they holding you back? — W. Clement Stone Copy Share Image
I’ve actually been in a lot of movies that involve sucking on fingers. — Dane DeHaan Copy Share Image
I m not flirting. Im just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive... — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living. — Jim Norton Copy Share Image
It's just so funny that when I was growing up, I was very much of an Australian. I just thought it was… — Catriona Gray Copy Share Image
Dedicated to everyone who r into RELATIONSHIP… Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater… If you give her sperm, she'll… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I like to think my sense of humor is sort of smart and dumb at the same time. I like to work… — Robert Lopez Copy Share Image
Of course, Behaviourism 'works'. So does torture. Give me a no-nonsense, down-to-earth behaviourist, a few drugs, and simple electrical appliances, and in… — W. H. Auden Copy Share Image
“They would regret that they had not killed him; he would get out of that hole and find Juliana sooner or later,… — Isabel Allende Copy Share Image
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There are a lot of comedic actors who are just out to be the funny one and get all the laughs and… — Jake M. Johnson Copy Share Image
Happiness comes out of contentment, and contentment always comes out of service. — Harbhajan Singh Copy Share Image
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman. — Garry Shandling Copy Share Image
I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week. — Joel Lindley Copy Share Image
Niggas tried to holla, but couldn't holla back Now they gots to swallow, everything in the sack. — DMX Copy Share Image
HEY , I just met you. And this is crazy , but you're a douchebag. Can you change that maybe? — Jaylon Hillsman Copy Share Image
A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being interested; it's me. — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
“Put me down, I’m too heavy.” “You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.” — Sarah Mayberry Copy Share Image
“How do you know you're a mom? If you never have a Kleenex in your purse when YOU need it?" L. R.… — L.R.W. Lee Copy Share Image
There is a limit to how much you can change to be liked for who you really are. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
Are We Going to die in our religion or are we going to die in our devotion? — David Platt Copy Share Image
Man I just ended up on everybody guestlist. I’m just doing better than what everybody projected. — Big Sean Copy Share Image
Time will be your friend or your enemy; it will promote you or expose you. — Jeff Olson Copy Share Image
That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship. — Murray Bowen Copy Share Image
I thought that's what happened to women: You live alone when you're old. — Jen Kirkman Copy Share Image
A friend of mine, a friend of yours. My better half, Richard Stephen Sambora — Jon Bon Jovi Copy Share Image
“He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.” — Filippo Bologna Copy Share Image
Math: The only place where a person can buy 80 watermelons without anyone thinking they're a weirdo. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
