Alcohol: Because no good story starts with So this one time I was eating a salad — Persia Copy Share Image
Buttons ... check. Dials ... check. Switches ... check. Little colored lights ... check. — Bill Watterson Copy Share Image
“In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many!” — Ken Kesey Copy Share Image
Steve Carell leaving The Office is almost as depressing as my inability to leave mine. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I used to think guns were loud until I dropped the damn shampoo in the shower. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
To buy books would be a good thing if we could also buy the time to read them; but the purchase of… — Arthur Schopenhauer Copy Share Image
If u drink 5 glasses of milk it makes you stronger,I drank 5 and I couldn't move the wall,but if you drink… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but youll have to… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“We were at the White House a couple of weeks ago," the man says, "they had a state dinner for Prince Charles… — Ben Fountain Copy Share Image
“In many species, males pay for sex. For example, among black ticked hanging flies, an amorous male will present a female with… — Steve Stewart-Williams Copy Share Image
Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away. I'm not saying he's a cross-dresser, that's just what… — Shannon Sharpe Copy Share Image
... Variety and the Hollywood Reporter, two publications read more faithfully in Hollywood than the Koran is in Mecca. — Jack Paar Copy Share Image
“Why me?" I blurted out, and then closed my eyes briefly. "Okay. Don't answer that." The food arrived just then一thank God一and the… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
comedians are people who say funny things, and comics are people who say things funny. — Staton Rabin Copy Share Image
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do. — Billy Crystal Copy Share Image
No I'm not single, I'm in a long distance relationship because my boyfriend lives in the future. — Cuts And Scars Copy Share Image
Hate broke hoez...theyll rather open they legs instead of a account — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
I feel terrible getting my cat fixed and relegating it to the same sexless existence as me. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There have been many Buddhas before me and will be many Buddhas in the future. — Gautama Buddha Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when youre waiting for a text but then you realize youre the one who didnt reply. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
All those couples who had fun on Valentines day will be blessed today Happy childrens day :P — Uchiha Copy Share Image
I don't know if I was a funny kid. I would say I was a loud and weird kid. — Will Forte Copy Share Image
“I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy. ” — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
We don't have eternal life because we're good, we have it because God is good. — Craig Groeschel Copy Share Image
I've heard that the eyes are the window to the heart, so I bought me a new pair of shades. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The history of the meadow goes like this. No one owns it, no one ever will. — James Galvin Copy Share Image
The doctor asks the patient what is wrong, and then the patient asks the doctor what is wrong. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Nothing can come out of nothing, any more than a thing can go back to nothing. — Marcus Aurelius Copy Share Image
