I just heard a strange noise coming from downstairs. I refuse to say Who's there? Those people always die. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You must be single minded. Drive for the one thing on which you have decided. — George S. Patton Copy Share Image
It is so funny because I was always embarrassed because I never had formal training in acting. — Haley Bennett Copy Share Image
Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
“It was a well-known fact that Lorna was leaving in six months’ time, since Lorna had been leaving in six months’ time… — Danielle Wood Copy Share Image
I think the way women are perceived on Instagram is that you have to be hot, but it also has to be… — Rachel Sennott Copy Share Image
When I have had a long day at work, I want something to watch that is funny, lighthearted and easy to get… — Amy Childs Copy Share Image
“Assad whistled a few notes of one of his native country's melancholic songs. It sounded as though he was whistling backwards” — Jussi Adler-Olsen Copy Share Image
I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you're told by the coaches, flacks,… — Hunter S. Thompson Copy Share Image
Paul Lucas had a particularly amusing accent, so I chuckled. That was terrible; I shouldn't have done that, but he took it… — Fay Wray Copy Share Image
*Playing bingo* Me: Yes! I only need one more! Someone: BINGO! Me: NOOOO! F*CK YOU! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You should write about your life. It's kind of funny. When it's not depressing as hell.” — Jeni Decker Copy Share Image
My heart is like a cabbage divided into two. I gave the leaves to others and my heart to you — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's been thousands of very, very funny and also very, very nasty tweets about me. — James Charles Copy Share Image
What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down. — Scott Roeben Copy Share Image
Barking dogs seldom bite, but beware of those dogs that know this proverb. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing. — Alex Ferguson Copy Share Image
Pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once! ~ suicide bomber teacher. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. — Joey Adams Copy Share Image
It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas. — Eddie Arcaro Copy Share Image
How sure we are that everyone's watching. How sure we are that no one sees. — James Richardson Copy Share Image
I love learning bad things about people I don't like. You can throw it in their face. — Marshall Mathers AKA Eminem Copy Share Image
I use to think you took my breathe away but now I realizedI was just suffocated by your bullshit,! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Families composed of rugged individualists have to do things obliquely. — Florence King Copy Share Image
Who better to so softly bind the wound of one, than she who has suffered the wound herself. — Thomas Jefferson Copy Share Image
“He was right. The annoying Disney song was right. The universe was too fucking small.” — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
