We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion. — David Beckham Copy Share Image
If we just planned for everything we could, we’d make it through everything we couldn’t. — Kiera Cass Copy Share Image
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses... — Adlai Stevenson I Copy Share Image
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
My persona has always been what a man was never supposed to be. Outrageous, gregarious, crazy, silly, funny. — Richard Simmons Copy Share Image
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then… — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
“GRANDMA: Are you a gay? ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man? *She… — Scarlett Brukett Copy Share Image
“Holly's forgiven you?" "Almost mostly. But she still gives me slack about it when she's sick. I take it as a husbandly… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
“Why were you watching me change?" I explain. "Uh, 'cause I'm a guy?" He flips the pillow and slaps it, fluffing it.… — Miranda Kenneally Copy Share Image
My Friend dumped his GF last night. To make her feel better, I gave her company in her shower today & BITCH… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!” — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it. — Dave Chappelle Copy Share Image
I respect whoever created woman in the army, women on their period with weapons... GENIUS!! — Noor Copy Share Image
Do not be one of those who, rather than risk failure, never attempts anything. — Thomas Merton Copy Share Image
I always wish my pets could talk, but then I remember all the things I have said and done in front of… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
To open the dictionary of the Beyond and discover what one suspected, that the only word in it is nothing. — Mark Strand Copy Share Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
We have had to learn that history is neither a God nor a redeemer. — Reinhold Niebuhr Copy Share Image
At least not having an office window means you'll never know how nice it is outside.. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Funny comes in different levels. Like not looking seasoned, or not looking prepared, the way that an actual comic should look, becomes… — Deon Cole Copy Share Image
That word 'funny' always makes me feel uncomfortable. Because if I were trying to be funny, I would be something like Bill… — John Baldessari Copy Share Image
The prospects for a coherent, hilarious and consistent American comedy seem to lessen every year, as the poor waterlogged, gassy corpse called… — Stephen Hunter Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black… — Georgia Saratsioti Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wish my brain didn't always have to warn me about things. Stupid people seem to live such easy, carefree lives.” — L.H. Cosway Copy Share Image
The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
“What if you didn't have time to draw them on one day? Or what if it rained and your eyebrows started dripping… — Lauren Barnholdt Copy Share Image
I find it very funny as well as touching that people associate me with these characters I play and form a connect… — Pankaj Tripathi Copy Share Image
I may not be smart, pretty, exciting, Fun, Funny as other people.But I'm myself. I'm Weird, Crazy, and just awkward. Haha,Thats me.… — Jasmine Copy Share Image
I'd like to keep exploring comedy. I didn't necessarily think of myself as a comedic actress, but it's a lot of fun. — Mamie Gummer Copy Share Image
