If you imagine yourself to be someone who is very uncomfortable in their own skin, then it does funny things to your… — Rebecca Hall Copy Share Image
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian. — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
What they do in America in all those sitcoms is hire glamorous girls and they're never that funny... that's because they've never… — Rebel Wilson Copy Share Image
Facebook should have a limit on how many times a relationship status can be change ... after 3 times it should be… — Ronak Gurung Copy Share Image
I seem to get into situations that make people laugh, but I don't consider myself that funny of a person. I'm not… — Nathan Fielder Copy Share Image
“I’m about to shove these idle hands so far up your ass, you’ll think you’ve become a puppet.” “You know what?” Ren… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
Regarding jam sessions: jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When my quotes are ignored and no one appreciate them I don't delete them. I tell myself that I'm Leonardo Dicaprio of… — Anurag Prakash Ray Copy Share Image
Where are the dogs going? you people who pay so little attention ask. They are going about their business. And they are… — Charles Baudelaire Copy Share Image
As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
I mean I'm one of those people that laugh at a funeral. And it's always the worst time, but there's always a… — Bianca Del Rio Copy Share Image
We are what we have been told about ourselves. We are the sum of the messages we have received. The true messages.… — Donald Barthelme Copy Share Image
I didn't want to miss that opportunity to be able to enjoy an afternoon fishing with my dad which is something we… — Joe Thomas Copy Share Image
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Douche: hey Girl: Douche: HEY Girl: What? Douche: you know, there should be a warning sign on my dick Girl: Excuse me?… — Ella Rojas Copy Share Image
If you're hired to be a funny person, you have to trust your judgment but also be open because sometimes you think… — Paula Pell Copy Share Image
It's really frustrating when you write a show and it's really funny and someone and from Standards and Decency says, 'You can't… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I can't tell you how much we laughed on the set to have Alec Guinness in a scene with a big, furry… — Mark Hamill Copy Share Image
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Most people's major life changes don't come from reading an article in the newspaper; they come from reading longer-form essays or thoughtful… — Aaron Swartz Copy Share Image
There are some people who can't sleep because they have insomnia, I'm one of those people who can't sleep because they have… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than the… — Ernest Rutherford Copy Share Image
When I was twenty-one, a friend gave me a book called Diet for a New America by John Robbins, which exposed the… — Gwyneth Paltrow Copy Share Image
Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is… — Rob Delaney Copy Share Image
I watched a film called 'Earthlings' years ago and it helped to upset me into veganism, so I thought what I could… — Simon Amstell Copy Share Image
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if… — Ricky Gervais Copy Share Image
'Funny Games' was conceived as a provocation. My other films are different. If people feel my other films are, or respond to… — Michael Haneke Copy Share Image
I need music. Without music, my ears are just boring devices used to listen to stupid people talking about meaningless things. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in… — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
“Did you want to change into something more comfortable?” Adrian asks with a raise in his eyebrows, breaking me out of my… — Lilly Avalon Copy Share Image
Whenever a young comic asks me for advice I only have two things to say. One is to try and do what… — Sean Lock Copy Share Image
“Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
It seems that boredom is one of the greatest discoveries of our time. If so, there's no question but that he must… — Luchino Visconti Copy Share Image
“What did you get Feyre?' I slid my hands into my pockets. 'This and that.' 'So, nothing.' I dragged a hand through… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
It shouldn't be too much of a surprise that the Internet has evolved into a force strong enough to reflect the greatest… — Denise Caruso Copy Share Image
When people think of me, I want them to think of a travel show host who's really funny and good at his… — Zach Anner Copy Share Image
![“If, as I have reason to believe, I have disintegrated the nucleus of the atom, this is of greater significance than the war. [ Apology to the international anti-submarine committee for being absent from several meetings during World War I .]” quote by Ernest Rutherford](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/c73/ernest-rutherford-13268_apology_if-as-i-have-reason-to-believe-i-have-di_2899367.png)
