Facebook should have some kind of limit on the number of times that people can change their relationship statuses. After five or… — Ryan Swain Copy Share Image
“Is it just me, or do you also think this is unnatural behavior in a female parent? Isn't there a federal law… — A.E. Cannon Copy Share Image
Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep. — Rajneesh Copy Share Image
“So Jason, in England, do you eat these ‘Farmer burgers?’” Wong Tong asked. “Farmer burgers? I don’t know what they are?” “Maybe… — Mark A. Cooper Copy Share Image
I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The men I idolized built their bodies and became somebody - like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger - and I thought, 'That… — Dwayne Johnson Copy Share Image
Something that I've always been really keen on representing is some honesty with the way that we view ourselves. That's something I've… — Florence Pugh Copy Share Image
The best feeling in the world is using your own toilet when you have diarrhea. Beats being in a public restroom waiting… — Marianna Copy Share Image
I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they call, I always say I'll be there… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Oh my son! My son!" von Helrung cried. Now it was his turn to crush my master to his chest. "William! Your… — Rick Yancey Copy Share Image
The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“It is not really hard to do nothing. Many can. The hard part is doing nothing without feeling guilty about it.” — Haim Shapira Copy Share Image
“It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man *would* have… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“Do you want a ride home?" "I rode my bike, and I don't really want to keep it here at the school."… — August Westman Copy Share Image
That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And… — Jimmy Kimmel Copy Share Image
Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to… — Herman Melville Copy Share Image
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
35 is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
Cory Monteith was a great guy; Funny, deep, thoughtful, and hardworking. In real life, he was the coolest dude, generous, and a… — Mike O'Malley Copy Share Image
It's funny that black men, at first, were worried about a show called 'Girlfriends' because they thought that black men were gonna… — Mara Brock Akil Copy Share Image
I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and… — Judy Garland Copy Share Image
I would love to do a movie with Albert Brooks; we're so different, but I find him so funny, and I can… — Chevy Chase Copy Share Image
My granddaughter wanted a Cinderella theme party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Ah, Miss, hope is an excellent thing for such as has the spirits to bear it!" said Mrs Wickam, shaking her head.… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've been called funny. I assume my wife thinks I'm funny. But generally, if you bumped into me and said hello, I… — Robert Webb Copy Share Image
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I started writing this blog more than years ago, it was in response to traditional media's habit of twisting interviews to… — Mark Cuban Copy Share Image
“You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
It would be amazing if we got someone like Sarah Silverman on the show, not having a script and just being herself.… — Alex Horne Copy Share Image
I do keep getting these bad girl roles. The funny thing is that, honestly, I don't think I'm believable as these aristocratic… — Katie McGrath Copy Share Image
“This is how I lose weight: Time to raid the stores and buy as much junk food as I can! OOPS! Oh,… — Sarah Willey Copy Share Image
I found myself declaiming, full flower, for an hour on the "utmost importance and urgency" of Blogging, telling him in no uncertain… — Tom Peters Copy Share Image
I watched a dog chase its tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, Wow dogs are easily entertained Then I… — Lars Propst Copy Share Image
“La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la… — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
“It's funny,' I said. 'It's very funny. And it's a lot of fun, too, to be in love.' 'Do you think so?'… — Ernest Hemingway Copy Share Image
