My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“If you ladies have had your fun I think you should tell Calvin and Meg a little more about all this," Charles… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your… — Philo Farnsworth Copy Share Image
Ignore that nightmare in the bathroom. Just another ugly refugee from the Love Generation, some doom-struck gimp who couldn't handle the pressure.… — Hunter S. Thompson Copy Share Image
Being funny was something I was doing before I understood what that even was. Now I'm making a career out of it. — Kayvan Novak Copy Share Image
I came from a classical background, and I was teaching and earning a living out of music at a certain level, so… — Bryce Dessner Copy Share Image
I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Yes, I know," Isadora said, and then read her poem, leaning forward so Carmelita Spats would not overhear: "I would rather eat… — Lemony Snicket Copy Share Image
Our consciousness wants to connect through struggle and even pain. So in a funny sort of way, vulnerability is attractive. — Zoe Buckman Copy Share Image
“And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend.… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
I have asked my mom and my sister a couple times if I should post something or not. Or if they think… — Cameron Dallas Copy Share Image
My dad's a very funny man when he gets going. I remember clearly, from a young age, thinking, 'I want to be… — Rebecca Front Copy Share Image
Females: I'ma slap that b*tch when I see her, she got me f**ked up! *Girl walks past. She lucky she ain't look… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself. — George Burns Copy Share Image
Well thank you for reading this!! i dont have much to say but only 5 things 1.make some money 2.grow up 3.be… — Natasha Uys Copy Share Image
“Judy went back to Paulie’s place, but either he wasn’t home or he wasn’t answering his door. After banging on the door… — A. Lee Martinez Copy Share Image
In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the… — Babloo Copy Share Image
You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
The musicals that I loved, growing up - many, many. 'Singing in the Rain,' of course, is a classic, I love 'Meet… — Rob Marshall Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
All the greatest comedians use comedy and humor to release pain and sadness, and I think that instead of wanting to live… — Princess Nokia Copy Share Image
I find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. But, like, everyone on… — Julian Casablancas Copy Share Image
“Married?" she practically screeched, not sounding all that pleased, which left him feeling a little offended. "We're not getting married." He snorted… — R.L. Mathewson Copy Share Image
The angels stand between us and God, but they are translucent, even transparent, and they beckon us to penetrate their luminosity. — Peter Wilson Copy Share Image
The fact that 'A Dirty Job' has comedy and supernatural horror in it, that both are woven in and out of it… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
Let death be daily before your eyes, and you will never entertain any abject thought, nor too eagerly covet anything. — Epictetus Copy Share Image
I have learned from an early age to abjured the use of meat, and the time will come when men such as… — Leonardo Da Vinci Copy Share Image
“Never a dull moment,” he muttered. They’d been flash and bang from the first moment they’d met. “Yeah, well, if you weren’t… — Abigail Roux & Madeleine Urban Copy Share Image
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and… — Katt Williams Copy Share Image
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It is funny that fans will come up to me constantly asking when I'm going into the Hall of Fame. I respond,… — Ted DiBiase Sr Copy Share Image
When I was a child, I always wanted to be funny and to please people in my family. As you grow up… — Romola Garai Copy Share Image
“We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts. ” — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and youre getting your ass hammered by guystheres no better feeling than… — Matt Stairs Copy Share Image
“I think you've confused being enthralled with amusing yourself by irritating me.' 'Possibly,' he remarked. 'I do find pleasure in that.' He… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
Had be been Shakespeare, he would then have written Troilus and Cressidato brand the offending sex; but being only a little dog,… — Robert Louis Stevenson Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter." Suddenly there… — David Walliams Copy Share Image
I CRY EVERYDAY PEOPLE JUST DON'T SEE . THEY HURT ME IN MANY WAYS. BUT THEY JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY. I TRY… — Amber Monkman Copy Share Image
