Having sex with an ugly person is like bungee jumping, you know your gonna enjoy it but for f*cks sake just dont… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's some moments in your life where you're just like, 'I need something just funny.' That's the noble thing you can do.… — Jonathan Krisel Copy Share Image
There has never been a time when you and I have not existed, nor will there be a time when we will… — Bhagavad Gita Copy Share Image
“The most important quality in the man you decide to marry should be the ability to make you laugh. Beauty fades, careers… — Shannon L. Alder Copy Share Image
Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have… — Ernest Hemingway Copy Share Image
I wonder if in an alternate reality there is a version of me who is slim, muscular, handsome, drives a nice car,… — Flip Copy Share Image
They say gay people have gaydar, which lets them figure out who else is gay. Waiters in expensive restaurants have something similar,… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I wasn't the class clown. I wasn't that obvious. There would be a circle of guys, and they're watching the class clown.… — Bob Newhart Copy Share Image
I usually go straight for coffee when I wake up. I start my day with a half hour meditation... but only after… — Tyler Henry Copy Share Image
How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“An angora. That's what it was," he exclaims with a grin. "They have translucent wings and are about five inches tall and… — Arianna Fox Copy Share Image
“Did I ever tell you that my home in Rim was bigger than the whole of your compound?" Sable asked. A jab,… — Veronica Rossi Copy Share Image
I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at… — Janeane Garofalo Copy Share Image
“When I introduced you to Mary Ann, I wanted to call you my girlfriend, Elli,” he looked up at her to see… — Toni Aleo Copy Share Image
Coach Blatt is very, very knowledgeable about the game. And it just goes to show you that no matter where you're at,… — Joe Harris Copy Share Image
Him:what does salope mean? me:look it up in a dictionary! him:ok…umm this doesn't make sense... me:let me see...OHHH SHIT..you we're looking at… — Spanky Pants Copy Share Image
To act like everyone has had the same access to share their funny is willful ignorance at its best - and just… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as… — Lenny Bruce Copy Share Image
Call listened with amusement--not that the incident hadn't been terrible. Being decapitated was a grisly fate, whether you were a Yankee or… — Larry McMurtry Copy Share Image
All you can do is really the prep work and make sure you're ready to hit each golf shot. Outside of that,… — Rickie Fowler Copy Share Image
My basic view of things is - not to have any basic view of things. From having been exceedingly dogmatic, my views… — Ingmar Bergman Copy Share Image
They say REVENGE is a dish best served cold. They also say REVENGE is sweet. This means, basically REVENGE is ICE-CREAM. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny - sometimes people think we, as actors, have this wide range of choices of the roles we're doing, and in… — Mike O'Malley Copy Share Image
Rain makes everything beautiful,the grass and the flowers too… If the rain makes everything beautiful,then why doesn't it rain over you..? — Simi Ngr Copy Share Image
Wife:-I will die. Husband:- I will also die. Wife:-why will you die? Husband:- because I can't bear that much happiness — A Josland Copy Share Image
In TV writing, Armando Iannucci's satire 'The Thick of It' is brilliant - equal parts hysterically funny, terrifyingly believable, and Oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-he-actually-said-that -… — Tana French Copy Share Image
Before a clock was in the tower, Or e'er a watch was worn; I knew of night the passing hour, And prophesied… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
When I got the phone call that I was going to be on 'Drag Race' I thought I was going to win.… — Bob the Drag Queen Copy Share Image
Scamming not only be browsing but everybody has it own section: Pastor scam through preaching and politicians scam through electoion — Aduba Copy Share Image
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
“What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?" "I don't know, but can you introduce… — Gregory Maguire Copy Share Image
When you're famous, you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
I think when you do comedy, you play by a different set of rules. No one really wants you to be in… — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
A lady wants to be dressed exactly like everybody else but she gets pretty up- set if she sees anybody else dressed… — Ogden Nash Copy Share Image
Political satire is a serious thing. In democratic newspapers throughout the world there are daily cartoons that often are not even funny,… — Umberto Eco Copy Share Image
Obviously, it's a great privilege and pleasure to be here at the Yale Law School Sesquicentennial Convocation. And I defy anyone to… — Gerald R. Ford Copy Share Image
I hate that awkward moment when your clicking your pen and someone shouts stop it, but then you realize you must click… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Listen to me, youre going to make mistakes, youre going to have bad days, youre not going to be perfect, youre going… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you; I’ve had multiple dreams about you. If I had to choose between the real you and… — Rodney Jenkins Copy Share Image
