Pretty people don't keep comedies on the air. Funny people keep comedies on the air. — Allison Jones Copy Share Image
Being divorced is an extremely useful way to fool women into believing you're capable of commitment. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If it takes you more than an hour to get ready,… you probably aren't as cute as you think you are — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Why did the blonde send a blank letter to her husband in the army? They had a fight before he left and… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Landscapes are culture before they are nature; constructs of the imagination projected onto wood and water and rock. It is... difficult to… — Simon Schama Copy Share Image
Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“I don’t like seeing you hit.” “Well, to be quite honest, I don’t like being hit unless it’s by you.” As soon… — Tammy Blackwell Copy Share Image
The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp… — Barbara Woodhouse Copy Share Image
I have been through tornado warnings before, but this is really scary right now.. There is a siren, and it's really scary. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This may sound funny, but I feel my most beautiful when I'm clean, fresh out of the bath. I don't have to… — Faith Hill Copy Share Image
A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class… — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
“...space flight still had a long way to go to catch up with the safety record of the milkshake industry.” — Kevin Fong Copy Share Image
I feel the tears slowly rolling down my eyes and suddenly the tears wont stop. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Don't bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Seriously, it's like watching mild porn, watching you two eye fuck each other every two seconds.” — Jessica Sorensen Copy Share Image
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Glad to know the disturbed apple doesn't fall too far from the crazy tree.” — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
The Threarah doesn't like anything he hasn't thought of for himself. — Richard Adams Copy Share Image
I'm impressed you found something even gayer than the Gay Pride Parade to do this weekend. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My mom said to me guess who's doing the dishes tonight? I hit that Soulja Boy and said YOOOUUUUUU! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You can change all things for the better when you change yourself for the better. — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
Trying to be funny is arguably the least funny thing you can do. — Romesh Ranganathan Copy Share Image
Some refer to it as a cultural Chernobyl. I think of it as a cultural Stalingrad. — JGBallard Copy Share Image
I can't even imagine how many indigenous people Columbus would have murdered if he didn't get Columbus Day off. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Well I guess I have to go to rehab because apparently I'm addicted to you. — Lisette Alfaro Copy Share Image
It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't. — Yogi Berra Copy Share Image
Every man can do something better than anyone else…usually reading his on handwritting — Unknow Copy Share Image
