The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You mean you don't want to come in and hold my hand while I piss?” — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine. He shall be my squishy. Come here squishy! — Dory Copy Share Image
It's funny: when I go to a school and speak, and when they hear the back story about me, they want to… — Jay Asher Copy Share Image
The book that made me decide to go into Russian literature was 'Anna Karenina,' which I first read in high school. The… — Elif Batuman Copy Share Image
Growing up, there were TV shows that were very funny but very traditional. Classic things like 'Fawlty Towers,' obviously, and 'Blackadder' were… — Edgar Wright Copy Share Image
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
“...life is a funny thing. We go through ups and downs, winters and summers, but somewhere, sometimes, it's good.” — Ron McLarty Copy Share Image
“No, this isn’t funny. She’s got to realize what she’s getting herself into. Our society isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s… — Nicole Gulla Copy Share Image
“Melons. The girls. Gazongas. I could rattle off every nickname in the world for my boobs – oops nearly forgot jubblies –… — Gabrielle Tozer Copy Share Image
A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
Fans feel they know me, so they want me to be on-the-spot funny, and it's hard to fulfil their expectations. — Chris Lilley Copy Share Image
The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker. — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Marriage life is so easy. It's like a walk in the park. The problem is the park is Jurassic! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
What gets measured, gets done. And what gets recognized gets done again, and even better. — Robert Crawford Copy Share Image
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
When I'm wrong it's never meant for you, so don't confuse my love with what I do. — Eric Clapton Copy Share Image
Humour was a big part of growing up. It was a valuable currency in our household to be funny. — Rebecca Front Copy Share Image
“If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months” — Josh Stern Copy Share Image
“-Am I allowed to call you Grayson, or have you assumed a new identity as well? -He's Frank.” — Jen Turano Copy Share Image
Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Congratulations on being one of the few bosses who didn't contribute to the economy's collapse. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We cannot all be great, but we can always attach ourselves to something that is great. — Harry Emerson Fosdick Copy Share Image
I could lose so much weight if I just switched to red wine from eight beers. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
