'I Love My Wife' bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'. — Mae West Copy Share Image
Dad, I promise to one day give you grandchildren who annoy me as much as I annoyed you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.' — Kate Clinton Copy Share Image
“Angus is amusing himself by ambushing the postman. Och aye, they may have taken his trouser snake addendums, but they cannae tak… — Louise Rennison Copy Share Image
Religion is here to unite us. It's not here to divide us. If it's dividing us, it's not God's religion, it's something… — Hamza Yusuf Copy Share Image
The main evolutionary significance of humor is that it gets us from the closed mode to the open mode quicker than anything… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
“How long have you been standing there?" "Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger." "He deserved it.” — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when your cell phone going full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward if your ringtone is I will… — Faith Barroa Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Don't drink and park, accidents in cars cause population. F**k more the Merrier — ISetMyFriendsOnFire Copy Share Image
“It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.” — Patricia Briggs Copy Share Image
In the end, it’s not about failure, it’s about how much you love what you do. — Vera Wang Copy Share Image
There is a kind of sympathy with the Americans who are looked upon as liberators. — Jalal Talabani Copy Share Image
Instead of trying to modify what nature brought us, we embraced it, — Emmanuel Lubezki Copy Share Image
We objected to the morality because it interfered with our sexual freedom. — Aldous Huxley Copy Share Image
I bring a loving presence to everyone I meet and everything I do. — Cheryl Richardson Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, Is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Bastille Day is just like the Fourth of July except it takes place in France and we don't care about it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If I didn't kick his ass every day? he wouldn't be worth anything. — Hillary Clinton Copy Share Image
I'm always so impressed by people who can just stay super mellow and still be extremely funny. — Janet Varney Copy Share Image
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You can take anything, and if you explore it right, you can make it funny. — Kaitlin Olson Copy Share Image
“No bikinis on a first date.” He nods. “I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway.” — Huntley Fitzpatrick Copy Share Image
Your ugly and playing hard to get Ugh ? Yo ass in already hard to want :P — Kemis Khan Copy Share Image
People say that things happen for a reason. So when I hit you up side the head, remember I had a reason. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Imagination is a funny thing - we sometimes need to see something before we can truly picture it. — Tomi Adeyemi Copy Share Image
