From the moment I saw you, I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life avoiding you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Mason left the room and then yelled from the hall, “This is bullshit, cowshit, horseshit, and donkeyshit.” — Madison Parker Copy Share Image
You know you're getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. — John Mendoza Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If you expect to have it all, you will have nothing. Learn to be happy with nothing - and you will have… — Ernie J Zelinski Copy Share Image
Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
What is the difference between astroturf and grass? I don't know, I never smoked astroturf. — Tug McGraw Copy Share Image
I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones. — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
“Warm, aquamarine eyes stared into him—providing a lifeline to shore. And he wondered if she was really the one who needed saving… — J. Rose Black Copy Share Image
I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women.… — David Cross Copy Share Image
“I guess I could go and get a bunch of knives from the Kitchen aisles and throw them at the intruders. So… — Emmy Laybourne Copy Share Image
It's funny, man, sometimes you record something that you plan on re-doing later, but then when you listen back to it, you… — Dimebag Darrell Copy Share Image
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I don't dismiss the music that I was involved with, I don't think it was a joke, I don't think it was… — Ian MacKaye Copy Share Image
You from within our glasses, you lusty golden brew, whoever imbibes takes fire from you. The young and the old sing your… — Bedrich Smetana Copy Share Image
I like to come back to the science fiction of Stanislaw Lem. He is comforting but also funny, and although I know… — Olga Tokarczuk Copy Share Image
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Theres no such thing as insomnia. Just a lot of people with Internet access. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. — John Burroughs Copy Share Image
Did it hurt when you fell from the top of the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny - Americans are the colonials who ran away from the royals, and yet we're fascinated by them. — David Bryan Copy Share Image
Mum comes in and says 'I'm working out,' and she'll just be standing there naked doing a dance. — Kelly Osbourne Copy Share Image
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Is proud of his/herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Life Insurance: A contract that leaves you poor while you live so you can die rich. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns. — Dara O Briain Copy Share Image
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it.” — Robyn Carr Copy Share Image
“You are from Belfast; are you sure that was your first time holding a gun?” — Neil Walker Copy Share Image
