Funny Quotes · Page 787

RUNNING like a NINJA, when your laptop display 10% battery.

— Anonymous

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

— Nikhil Saluja

“I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.”

— Stephen King

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

— Jay Leno

If you lose your best cornerback and punter, I'd say that's a double loss.

— John Madden

I'm no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I'm changing the things I cannot accept.

— Angela Davis

That special feeling when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand ..

— Green Monk

I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that…

— Mike Birbiglia

I'm pretty private about my neuroses. You're not neurotic if you talk to yourself - everyone does - you're only neurotic if…

— Rachel Weisz

You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

— Anonymous

Daniel Bryan is a friend of mine. It's sort of funny that the relationship that you saw between Team Hell No on…

— Kane

'The will of the nation' is one of those expressions which have been most profusely abused by the wily and the despotic…

— Alexis De Tocqueville

The funny part about my anger is that a lot of times when it comes out a little bit and I get…

— Jon Rahm

Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on…

— Dylan Moran

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than…

— Dick Brandon

The Internet is a funny and scary place to talk about your feelings.

— Gracie Abrams

I'm more interested in the future than in the past, because the future is where I intend to live.

— Albert Einstein

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

— Douglas Adams

Everything is funny,only when its happening to somebody else.

— Anonymous

To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong!

— Chad Michael Murray

If you don’t have a struggle inside or around you, you have to make one up.

— Jack White

Happiness is the only thing that multiplies when you share it.

— Albert Schweitzer

My Less Than Secret Life' by Jonathan Ames was a revelation, as shocking as it is funny.

— Richard Herring

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.

— John Mendoza

Dont life in fear because if you life in fear you are not living your hiding.

— Salman Aditya

When your confidence goes up, your competence goes up the same time.

— Zig Ziglar

Those who do not hope cannot wait; but if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait…

— Charles Spurgeon

We may not always finish what we start but God always finishes what He starts.

— Rick Warren

Either my Spidey senses are tingling or my butt fell asleep again

— Kendrick Cole

“I winced. I just said "creamed." I felt so deprived and miserably virginal.”

— Hayden Thorne

If love is the answer, can you please repeat the question?

— Ritu Ghatourey

Develop that individuality by working as hard as you can at what you love.

— Dave Grohl

When times are troubled, SMILE. When disaster threatens, LAUGH. When asked your age, LIE.

— Anonymous

I hate buses, they run twice faster when you are after it and too slow when you are in it..!!

— Ritu Ghatourey

No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from.

— Jewel

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

— Steve Martin

My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

Mom, it's so great how much closer we've gotten since you started texting instead of calling.

— Anonymous

If you have paparazzi, you know you've gotten somewhere.

— Vanessa Hudgens