What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap? — Ian O'Doherty Copy Share Image
Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for. — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
You come to the planet with nothing and you leave with nothing, so youd better do some good while you are here. — Alex Van Halen Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.” — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
“So scared to take the Advanced English test today. Well, maybe not since I'm obviously going to get in.” — Azaria H Copy Share Image
The only thing I plan to accomplish at work today is to turn a gallon of coffee into a gallon of piss. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People always tell me, 'You should do drama. You should do drama.' Even when I first got an agent, they were like,… — Tiffany Haddish Copy Share Image
In Africa, we were around thousands of people who have seen a lot of poverty, but they were fun at the end… — Angelina Jolie Copy Share Image
“I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin. “Yes,… — Mary E. Pearson Copy Share Image
Urgent necessity prompts many to do things, at the very thoughts of which they perhaps would start at other times. — Miguel de Cervantes Copy Share Image
Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If… — Ernest Hemingway Copy Share Image
You cant be a casual observer of something humorous - you have to engage, you have to find it funny for the… — Brendan Coyle Copy Share Image
If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny,… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. — George Burns Copy Share Image
I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational. — David Cross Copy Share Image
John Sullivan's scripts were always very funny, and cast and crew got on well. — David Jason Copy Share Image
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose. — Fred Allen Copy Share Image
I really wanted to just be a musician. I didn't want to be anything else, but I was funny and all that. — Jamie Foxx Copy Share Image
True friends are like diapers they never leave your ass, even if they are full of shit. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy. — Spike Milligan Copy Share Image
I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
If she want dem heels...she better...STD aka Suck This Dick...lol...I call dat head ova heels — IG:caonte_2_funny Copy Share Image
Sometimes I like to be a bit Romantic, that's why I light up a couple of scented candles when I masturbate. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Dalmatians are not only superior to other dogs, they are like all dogs, infinitely less stupid than men. — Eugene O'Neill Copy Share Image
1st month of school: look nice and dress up. Rest of the school year: Rocking the homelss grandma look. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I talk to God and make deals with him every time I gamble. Otherwise, I leave him alone. — Max Rubin Copy Share Image
“I can't believe he stabbed the guy. Eight years old. I'm the most irresponsible kidnapper ever.” — Joey Comeau Copy Share Image
