Funny Quotes · Page 775

You know you've had enough coffee when you can thread a sewing machine ...while it's running!

— Green Monk

I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny.

— Mila Kunis

The thing about faith is that you have to have it before you need it.

— Rich Wilkerson Jr

I hate it when ugly people say I need my beauty sleep. Bitch, you need to hibernate.

— Anonymous

With empathy, I'm fully with them, and not full of them - that's sympathy.

— Marshall B. Rosenberg

Knowledge of life brings confidence. Knowledge of death makes you fearless and centered.

— Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

You know its funny when it rains it pours. They got money for wars, but cant feed the poor.

— 2pac

I love what I do and when I don't love what I do, I'll make a change

— Katy Perry

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God,…

— Rita Rudner

Teaching someone to be funny is like teaching someone to be fast. They're already fast. You're just making them faster.

— Ali Farahnakian

Yet another spunky li'l NASA robot lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos…

— Dave Barry

I went to my first school dance on the set of 'Spider-Man.' The funny thing is, it wasn't actually real. I didn't…

— Angourie Rice

:P everytime you takl behind my back I find it funny because your taking your time out to talk about me behind…

— Tamika-leeigh

Humor was also a defense mechanism from getting picked on at school. If I could be funny maybe people wouldn't bother me.

— Pandora Boxx

Cockroaches are afraid of Rats..Rats are afraid of Cats..Cats are afraid of Dogs.. Dogs are afraid of Men..Men are afraid of Women..and…

— Kand3n

You can almost liken 'Bad Samaritan' to 'Funny Games' because it's that theme of horror just down the street in your neighborhood.

— Robert Sheehan

God does not ask about our ability, but our availability.

— Anonymous

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

— Bill Cosby

MARRIAGE, A bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;

— Nikhil Saluja

Compromise: The art of dividing the cake in a way that makes everyone believe they got the largest piece.

— Nikhil Saluja

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

— Nikhil Saluja

Apply yourself wholly to the text; apply the text wholly to yourself.

— Johann Albrecht Bengel

The general killed the Viet Cong; I killed the general with my camera,

— Eddie Adams

Just bought a pair of boots that are so comfortable when you're kicking someone in the face.

— Green Monk

When I scared,i love to eat sweets,rather then having vodka...try it out :P

— Dinesh

That awkward moment when you name your child 'Christian' only for him to grow up to be an atheist.

— Anonymous

To spoil the food too many cooks are not required, one is enough.

— Adhir Amadavadi

The people from 'The State' are close friends, but also some of the most incredibly funny people I know.

— Joe Lo Truglio

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

— Nelson Mandela

Of course I talk to myself, Because sometimes I need expert advice.

— Anonymous

“I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished.”

— Lawrence Welk

I can't stop masturbating, but I don't have to be anywhere for another 7 hours so it's ok.

— Asa Akira

If school has taught us anything, its texting without looking!

— Anonymous

I'm just like a CUP of COFFEE.. Sometimes BITTER, sometimes SWEET but most of the TIME; I'M HOT! :)

— J Czhang

I shall gather myself into my self again, I shall take my scattered selves and make them one.

— Sara Teasdale

My cousin Dwayne was really the first person who was like, 'You're funny, man!' I was like, 'OK, sure.'

— Sam Richardson

You did not come here to be normal, you came here to be you.

— Robert Holden

In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that is not taken.

— Anonymous

When the person behind you, steps on the back of your shoes

— Tmblr

Every man plays the fool once in his live, but to marry is playing the fool all one's life long.

— William Congreve