Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

— Spike Milligan

A lot of learning canbe a little thing.

— Spike Milligan

I told you I was sick.

— Spike Milligan

“Everybody has to be somewhere!”

— Spike Milligan

It's all in the mind, you know.

— Spike Milligan

I'm Irish. We think sideways

— Spike Milligan

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

— Spike Milligan

God made nightButMan made darkness.

— Spike Milligan

Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.

— Spike Milligan

“They're all the rage, Cab Calloway wears one.”

— Spike Milligan

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

— Spike Milligan

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

— Spike Milligan

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.

— Spike Milligan

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

— Spike Milligan

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

— Spike Milligan

“(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".”

— Spike Milligan

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

— Spike Milligan

One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was…

— Spike Milligan

“My sister Laura's bigger than me And lifts me up quite easily. I can't lift her, I've tried and tried; She must…

— Spike Milligan

“What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?" A Bongaloo, Son," said I, Is a tall bag of cheese Plus a Chinaman's knees And the…

— Spike Milligan

“With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.”

— Spike Milligan

“The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can…

— Spike Milligan

A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived." I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish."

— Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a sonnet by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of…

— Spike Milligan

I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three…

— Spike Milligan

My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were…

— Spike Milligan

We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen…

— Spike Milligan

I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down.…

— Spike Milligan

My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a…

— Spike Milligan

The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever…

— Spike Milligan

“Well, he thought, you can fool some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time, which…

— Spike Milligan

You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big.…

— Spike Milligan

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where…

— Spike Milligan

“Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door. In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped…

— Spike Milligan

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake.…

— Spike Milligan

“You saved my life, Holmes,' said the baronet. 'We all make mistakes,' said Holmes. 'Are you strong enough to stand?' 'Give me…

— Spike Milligan

“The die was cast. It was a proud day for the Milligan family as I was taken from the house. "I'm too…

— Spike Milligan

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

— Spike Milligan

Its all in the mind, you know.

— Spike Milligan

In the human race today, you came last.

— Spike Milligan