Spike Milligan

I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships.

— Spike Milligan

I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.

— Spike Milligan

“I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”

— Spike Milligan

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

— Spike Milligan

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

— Spike Milligan

Money can't buy friends but it can get you a better class of enemy.

— Spike Milligan

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A

— Spike Milligan

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

— Spike Milligan

“My sister Laura's bigger than me And lifts me up quite easily. I can't lift her, I've tried and tried; She must…

— Spike Milligan

“What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?" A Bongaloo, Son," said I, Is a tall bag of cheese Plus a Chinaman's knees And the…

— Spike Milligan

“With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate.”

— Spike Milligan

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

— Spike Milligan

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

— Spike Milligan

“The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day…

— Spike Milligan

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.

— Spike Milligan

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on…

— Spike Milligan

My parents always threw everything out, gave everything away. I'm surprised they never threw me away. That's why I've always kept my…

— Spike Milligan

The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so…

— Spike Milligan

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of…

— Spike Milligan

Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas…

— Spike Milligan

Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for…

— Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

— Spike Milligan

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

— Spike Milligan

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

— Spike Milligan

Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too.

— Spike Milligan

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

— Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

— Spike Milligan

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

— Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

— Spike Milligan

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

— Spike Milligan

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

— Spike Milligan

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

— Spike Milligan

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

— Spike Milligan

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

— Spike Milligan

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

— Spike Milligan

“If I could write words Like leaves on an autumn forest floor, What a bonfire my letters would make. If I could…

— Spike Milligan

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just…

— Spike Milligan

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of…

— Spike Milligan

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

— Spike Milligan

When I get depressed, I try to get something for the terrible sadness that comes over me and create something in terms…

— Spike Milligan