Fred Allen

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

— Fred Allen

She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.

— Fred Allen

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

— Fred Allen

Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.

— Fred Allen

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

— Fred Allen

Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

— Fred Allen

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

— Fred Allen

The world is a grindstone and life is your nose

— Fred Allen

“A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.”

— Fred Allen

Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.

— Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

— Fred Allen

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

— Fred Allen

Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.

— Fred Allen

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury…

— Fred Allen

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

— Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

— Fred Allen

With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will…

— Fred Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is…

— Fred Allen

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He…

— Fred Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough…

— Fred Allen

It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their…

— Fred Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for…

— Fred Allen

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling…

— Fred Allen

Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them…

— Fred Allen

“An actor, to spend his entire life as an actor, has to have the mind of a child. A writer at sixty…

— Fred Allen

Vaudeville could not vouch for the honesty, the integrity, or the mentality of the individuals who collectively made up the horde the…

— Fred Allen

I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me and I started shaking. And…

— Fred Allen

I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And…

— Fred Allen

I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.

— Fred Allen

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

— Fred Allen

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

— Fred Allen

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

— Fred Allen

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

— Fred Allen

“All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.”

— Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

— Fred Allen

Television is a triumph of equipment over people,

— Fred Allen

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

— Fred Allen

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

— Fred Allen

Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.

— Fred Allen

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission

— Fred Allen