A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctors book. — Irish Proverb Copy Share Image
You don't understand me and never will, so don't start that shit about knowing how I feel. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.” — Elizabeth C. Bunce Copy Share Image
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. That solves that problem. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Christmas is a time of year to sleep in, pig out, and get fat. Not to "bang everybody" — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've been seesawing between not doing too much racial stuff - because I'd rather be known as the funny comedian than the… — Ronny Chieng Copy Share Image
"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and… — Lewis Carroll Copy Share Image
“Don't be too funny, guys like funny but they don't want to marry a comedian, right? The guy is supposed to be… — Lindsey Kelk Copy Share Image
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because… — Finley Peter Dunne Copy Share Image
A BOY CAN MEET 1O GIRLS, F*CK 9 , TALK TO 8 , LAUGH WITH 7 , RUN BEHIND 6 , LIKE… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective… — Wendy Wasserstein Copy Share Image
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Everything is transient. Everything is constantly changing. The only thing we have is now. — Jessica Lange Copy Share Image
If I follow you, don't tweet about your boyfriend because I'm your boyfriend until further notice. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Cats are better than any vice. They're not fattening, dangerous, or expensive. However, they can be addictive. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Come on... I'm just a fruit.. what else do you think of me?? - BANANA (o.O) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That's funny, you're funny. I like you, I'm quite taken by you. — Gail Carson Levine Copy Share Image
What am I listening to? -A playlist that consists of Justin Bieber and One Direction.(: — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I'll eat rabbit pellets before you get me into something pink with ruffles.” — Deb Baker Copy Share Image
I have a hidden wild side, and the older I get the more it comes out. — Martie Maguire Copy Share Image
When karma finally hits you in the face, I will be there, just incase it needs some help. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The difference between you and the funny person on TV is that they acted on their ideas. — Rob Manuel Copy Share Image
Live honestly to a higher note. Life is too short. So, do the best you can and live your life to a… — Kimora Lee Simmons Copy Share Image
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Marriage is functional in which the woman must cook the food every day and the man has to eat it every day. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a hand job better than I can. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
At least you're as thin as the college rejection letters you're receiving. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle. — Steve Coogan Copy Share Image
I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill. — Samuel L. Jackson Copy Share Image
