Jack Handey

I think man invented the car by instinct.

— Jack Handey

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

— Jack Handey

I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.

— Jack Handey

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

— Jack Handey

A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)

— Jack Handey

Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.

— Jack Handey

I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

— Jack Handey

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

— Jack Handey

I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."

— Jack Handey

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

— Jack Handey

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

— Jack Handey

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity…

— Jack Handey

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

— Jack Handey

With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it.

— Jack Handey

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

— Jack Handey

When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

— Jack Handey

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just…

— Jack Handey

To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than…

— Jack Handey

The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.…

— Jack Handey

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark…

— Jack Handey

I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the…

— Jack Handey

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.

— Jack Handey

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun…

— Jack Handey

I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my…

— Jack Handey

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board…

— Jack Handey

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the…

— Jack Handey

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a…

— Jack Handey

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say…

— Jack Handey

I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what…

— Jack Handey

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my…

— Jack Handey

If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the…

— Jack Handey

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the…

— Jack Handey

If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That…

— Jack Handey

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I…

— Jack Handey

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the…

— Jack Handey

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

— Jack Handey

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

— Jack Handey

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

— Jack Handey

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."

— Jack Handey

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

— Jack Handey