One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married… — Jack Handey Copy Share
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive… — Jack Handey Copy Share
