People Quotes by Jack Handey

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark…

— Jack Handey

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is…

— Jack Handey

If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

— Jack Handey

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

— Jack Handey

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people…

— Jack Handey

Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same…

— Jack Handey

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just…

— Jack Handey

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through…

— Jack Handey

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even…

— Jack Handey

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be,…

— Jack Handey

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just…

— Jack Handey

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done,…

— Jack Handey

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken…

— Jack Handey

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I…

— Jack Handey

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools…

— Jack Handey

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the…

— Jack Handey

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What…

— Jack Handey

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname…

— Jack Handey

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead…

— Jack Handey

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had…

— Jack Handey

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,…

— Jack Handey

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those…

— Jack Handey

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

— Jack Handey

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

— Jack Handey

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?

— Jack Handey

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

— Jack Handey

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that…

— Jack Handey

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking…

— Jack Handey

If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap…

— Jack Handey

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good…

— Jack Handey

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people…

— Jack Handey

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,…

— Jack Handey

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So…

— Jack Handey

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all…

— Jack Handey

If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask…

— Jack Handey

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will…

— Jack Handey

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and…

— Jack Handey

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay…

— Jack Handey

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,…

— Jack Handey

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up…

— Jack Handey