If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas. — Jack Handey Bad idea Copy Share Image
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.… — Jack Handey Branding Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh… — Jack Handey Children Copy Share Image
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help:… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be… — Jack Handey Boys Copy Share Image
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here… — Jack Handey Boys Copy Share Image
Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my… — Jack Handey Clothes Copy Share Image
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the… — Jack Handey Acting Copy Share Image
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken… — Jack Handey Ants Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. — Jack Handey Alcohol Copy Share Image
I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it. — Jack Handey Comedy Copy Share Image
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye — Jack Handey Culture Copy Share Image
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. — Jack Handey Baby Copy Share Image
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into… — Jack Handey Better off dead Copy Share Image
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. — Jack Handey Comic Copy Share Image
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say. — Jack Handey Hate Copy Share Image
I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they don't know I'm using blanks. — Jack Handey Blanks Copy Share Image
I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
