If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? — Jack Handey Being honest Copy Share Image
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. — Jack Handey Bees Copy Share Image
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar." — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as… — Jack Handey Courtesy Copy Share Image
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and… — Jack Handey Body Copy Share Image
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and… — Jack Handey Away from you Copy Share Image
If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One day my friend called and said, "I FOUND JESUS!" and my response was "Great we are going to be rich." But… — Jack Handey Christianity Copy Share Image
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be,… — Jack Handey Ancient Copy Share Image
I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world's longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had… — Jack Handey Bridges Copy Share Image
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good,"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake. — Jack Handey Children Copy Share Image
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy." — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. — Jack Handey Beer Copy Share Image
With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it. — Jack Handey Chance Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. — Jack Handey Affection Copy Share Image
