If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. — Jack Handey Family Copy Share Image
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see… — Jack Handey Ants Copy Share Image
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. — Jack Handey Children Copy Share Image
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a… — Jack Handey Boxing Copy Share Image
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd… — Jack Handey Alien Copy Share Image
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn… — Jack Handey Computers Copy Share Image
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the… — Jack Handey Beavers Copy Share Image
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the… — Jack Handey Asylums Copy Share Image
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say… — Jack Handey Aliens Copy Share Image
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF! — Jack Handey Bird Copy Share Image
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves… — Jack Handey Birthday Copy Share Image
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I… — Jack Handey Cans of worms Copy Share Image
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program! — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay… — Jack Handey Grain Copy Share Image
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second,… — Jack Handey Anxiety Copy Share Image
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
