Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the… — Jack Handey Boys Copy Share Image
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the… — Jack Handey Aliens Copy Share Image
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go… — Jack Handey Bread Copy Share Image
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for… — Jack Handey Friendship Copy Share Image
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your… — Jack Handey Astronaut Copy Share Image
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt… — Jack Handey Cowboy Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just… — Jack Handey Class Copy Share Image
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than… — Jack Handey Brave Copy Share Image
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man… — Jack Handey Boys Copy Share Image
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how… — Jack Handey Amusement Copy Share Image
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come… — Jack Handey Armageddon Copy Share Image
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What… — Jack Handey Coincidence Copy Share Image
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where… — Jack Handey Boxing Copy Share Image
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think… — Jack Handey Clock Copy Share Image
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might… — Jack Handey Bahamas Copy Share Image
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then… — Jack Handey Cinema Copy Share Image
