The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta.… — Jack Handey Books Copy Share Image
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back… — Jack Handey Circus Copy Share Image
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I… — Jack Handey Ants Copy Share Image
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right… — Jack Handey Class Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under"… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato… — Jack Handey Decency Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but… — Jack Handey Ancient Copy Share Image
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all… — Jack Handey Amendment Copy Share Image
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask… — Jack Handey Age Copy Share Image
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that… — Jack Handey Ants Copy Share Image
Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But in the future, maybe… — Jack Handey Asteroids Copy Share Image
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says… — Jack Handey Bees Copy Share Image
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped… — Jack Handey Age Copy Share Image
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,… — Jack Handey Clown Copy Share Image
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down… — Jack Handey Age Copy Share Image
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and… — Jack Handey Beautiful Copy Share Image
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and… — Jack Handey Actor Copy Share Image
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and… — Jack Handey Boys Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Care Copy Share Image
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
