When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every… — Jack Handey After school Copy Share Image
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things… — Jack Handey Computers Copy Share Image
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Once I saw my parents argue because we didn't have a lot of money anymore. So, I did what I had to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no… — Jack Handey Body Copy Share Image
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead… — Jack Handey Ants Copy Share Image
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole… — Jack Handey Baby Copy Share Image
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet… — Jack Handey Bowling Copy Share Image
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow.… — Jack Handey Care Copy Share Image
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up… — Jack Handey Boss Copy Share Image
Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the… — Jack Handey Astronaut Copy Share Image
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a… — Jack Handey Bears Copy Share Image
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the ankles, still that's pretty good isn't… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire… — Jack Handey Campfire Copy Share Image
You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how… — Jack Handey Artist Copy Share Image
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,… — Jack Handey Angry Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody… — Jack Handey Cowboy Copy Share Image
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a… — Jack Handey Boys Copy Share Image
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
