If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So,… — Jack Handey Campers Copy Share Image
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out."… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the… — Jack Handey Blue Copy Share Image
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done,… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them… — Jack Handey Being real Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way,… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same… — Jack Handey Around the world Copy Share Image
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I… — Jack Handey Hate Copy Share Image
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools… — Jack Handey Americans Copy Share Image
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple,… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
