I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married… — Jack Handey Copy Share
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive… — Jack Handey Copy Share
