I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One day my friend called and said, "I FOUND JESUS!" and my response was "Great we are going to be rich." But… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out."… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good,"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married… — Jack Handey Copy Share
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive… — Jack Handey Copy Share
