Funny Quotes · Page 754

Happy Grandparents Day from people you should appreciate for not yet putting you in a nursing home.

— Anonymous

I never lose when I love. I only lose when I'm afraid to

— Paulo Coelho

They are each good when they are out, and each bad when they are in.

— Will Rogers

Blogging is good for your career. A well-executed blog sets you apart as an expert in your field.

— Penelope Trunk

I know all the bad things that happened in that war. I was in uniform four years myself.

— Ronald Reagan

You should not buy a stock because it's cheap but because you know a lot about it.

— Peter Lynch

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I guess we have the press to thank for pushing us to see something we didn't see!

— Eva Longoria

There is a rabbit breed called Hotot but, how say it is hoe toe and if the name was opposite it would…

— Cowgirl_Haley

At a birthday party, Chuck Norris dared a kid to suck all the helium out of the balloons..Today, this kid is called…

— Anonymous

“With a nod, Thorne started down the street. 'This way.' Five steps later, he paused, pondered, turned around. 'No, no, this way.'…

— Marissa Meyer

It's funny how some people are nice to my face. It's hilarious how some people talk crap behind my back. It's comical…

— Anonymous

“Wow,” she said. “Do you realise how wonderful you sound?” “Yes, I do,” he said with a firm nod. “And I think…

— Robyn Carr

“Saw a funny thing this mornin’,” he said. “Saw a monkey in the quad. Bold as brass.” “Oh, yes,” said the Bursar,…

— Terry Pratchett

I've had an experience through music that has touched almost every part of me. It educated me in ways that I didn't…

— Bruce Springsteen

You've got to embrace whatever is given and make the most of every opportunity to make it funny or to make it…

— William Regal

God can't fill you when you are already full of yourself.

— Max Lucado

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

— Fred Allen

This really is my life’s work, to go where there is suffering,

— Kayla Mueller

I to die, and you to live. Which is better God only knows.

— Plato

My statuses is like Jordans...mfs can't wait til they cum out

— IG:catone_2_funny

You'll never go wrong when you work with someone smarter than you.

— Tibor Kalman

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

— Adam Ferrara

“Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.”

— Beth Fantaskey

Setting themselves against reason, as often as reason is against them.

— Thomas Hobbes

If my tweets offend you: 1. I'm sorry. 2. It won't happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You're a pussy.

— Nikhil Saluja

The cheapest, fastest, and most reliable components are those that aren't there.

— Gordon Bell

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

— Bill Engvall

A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.

— Robert Frost

Your are what you eat right? oh I get it thats why all girls are orange!

— Anonymous

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

— Bo Burnham

God asks the best we have Because He gave the Best He had.

— Leonard Ravenhill

Chiropractic is a science just so far as it is specific.

— Daniel D. Palmer

It is good to dream! After I dream, I envision, and after I envision, I create!

— Laurel Burch

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

— Bob Hope

“Unintentional foreshadowing is unintentionally hilarious.”

— Sarah Wendell

There is no such thing as away. When you throw something away, it must go somewhere.

— Annie Leonard

There is only one question. And once you know the answer to that question there are no more to ask.

— Meher Baba

You have to sing every day so you can build up to being, you know, Amazingly Brilliant

— Mick Jagger

For tommorow belongs to those that prepare for it today.

— Malcolm X