Funny Quotes · Page 745

It was the failures who had always won, but by the time they won they had come to be called successes.

— Loren Eiseley

Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

— Anonymous

L hate that feeling you get when you have an insanely good comeback .. but it's way after the argument.

— Anonymous

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Henny Youngman

If I could read a book, I'd definitely read one of yours.

— Paris Hilton

I've never scored a goal in my life without getting a pass from someone else.

— Abby Wambach

Q: what did one saggy boob say to the other? A: perk up we are starting to look like nuts

— Unknow

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

— Rodney Dangerfield

These mercenaries and hirelings kidnapped civilians in the Al-Faw Peninsula so that they might claim that they captured Iraqi soldiers.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

It's funny, but to me, when you go to a concert hall and hear electronic pieces from the '60s, I think they…

— Jonny Greenwood

“Roarke didn't quite make it to Eve's office. He found her down the corridor, in front of one of the vending machines.…

— J.D. Robb

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe…

— Bill Hicks

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's…

— Ellen DeGeneres

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh,…

— Alonzo Bodden

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting…

— Noel Fielding

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell…

— Anonymous

Our feelings about how we're feeling are notoriously unreliable.

— Ariel Garten

The only people who aren't going to be criticized are those who do absolutely nothing

— Lou Holtz

As a proof that we are regenerated, we must regenerate everything around us.

— Louis Claude de Saint-Martin

The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man.

— Robertson Davies

Football doesn’t define me. It’s what I do [and] how I carry out my faith.

— Troy Polamalu

If I dwell on what I don't want, then I will get more of it. I affirm only the good in Life.

— Louise Hay

Do nothing secretly; for Time sees and hears all things, and discloses all.

— Sophocles

If you never try, then you'll never know just what you're worth.

— Nikhil Saluja

A friend helps you up when you get knocked down, a true friend says "Stay down, I got this."

— Anonymous

It's like this, dear boy, the one in front is blind and the kind one behind is pushing him.

— Noel Coward

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

— George Carlin

There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be leglislation against it.

— Anonymous

If someone tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

— Anonymous

Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.

— Jerry Coleman

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

— Chic Murray

I am not feeling lazy actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing

— Hussein Nishah

Boy- *Texts sweet stuff.* Girl-You're so sweet! Girl- *Texts sweet stuff.* Boy- Ok.

— Anonymous

Yelling doesn't get your point across, it only makes it louder.

— Grant Hill

Congratulations on running a marathon without having to stop for a heart attack.

— Anonymous

I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me…

— John Fugelsang

Gather the crumbs of happiness and they will make you a loaf of contentment.

— Anonymous

If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

— Terry Venables

Our constitution mentions religion just twice, and both times the word 'no' are attached.

— Ellery Schempp

Other peoples' success represents the possibility of what you can do.

— Tyrese Gibson