Funny Quotes · Page 746

Mostly all famous inventions start off as an accidents. For instance, my invention of running over cats.

— Nikhil Saluja

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

— Tim Vine

“The difference between actually very serious and actually very funny is actually very thin.”

— William Powers

You know how laughter is the best medicne, well weed give you the giggles, so weed is the best medicne.

— Levita Charin

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

— Dave Barry

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

— Woody Allen

If someone tells me they skied all day and never fell down, I tell them to find another mountain.

— Michael Bloomberg

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

— Dave Barry

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that u…

— Azgraybebly Josland

You always say 'I'll quit when I start to slide', and then one morning you wake up and realize you've done slid.

— Sugar Ray Robinson

Obviously we know Bill Hader is funny and charming, but my question is, can he do raw humanity and naturalism? I think…

— Mark Duplass

“I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one?…

— Ryan Lilly

It's funny, because even though Bridgerton' is obviously a period drama, Anthony's story is quite modern in the sense that he's reached…

— Jonathan Bailey

If I knew exactly what I know now and had it to do over, I'd be a switch hitter. No telling what…

— Hank Aaron

We want to tell him [Blair] that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get…

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

At the age of sixty, to marry a beautiful girl of sixteen is to imitate those ignorant people who buy books to…

— Anonymous

That Beautiful moment When a guy stretches so far , you can see his abbs and boxers. .

— Anonymous

Meet your failure nobly, and it will not differ from success.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Instead of searching for what you do not have, find out what it is that you have never lost.

— Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Don't worry when you're being persecuted for God, worry when you're not.

— Craig Groeschel

If a better system is thine, impart it if not, make use of mine.

— Horace

Almost everyone is bald. And thats because of what they eat.

— Evo Morales

The things that go wrong for you have a lot of potential to become part of your gift to the world.

— Krista Tippett

In art there is only one thing that counts: the bit that cannot be explained.

— Georges Braque

Frentzen is taking, er, reducing that gap between himself and Frentzen.

— Murray Walker

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

— Mark Twain

Why don't you realize, that your words really do cut me down to size?

— Anonymous

“Hey,” he pulled away and put his hand on my face. “What are you thinking about?” “Your butt,” I admitted.”

— Diana Peterfreund

Let me beg you, not to rest contented with the commonplace religion that is now so prevalent.

— Adoniram Judson

My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat!

— Myself

Bring together things that have not yet been brought together and did not seem predisposed to be so.

— Robert Bresson

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

— Fred Allen

No one is normal. There are just a lot of weird people with things in common.

— Anonymous

There is nothing that man fears more than the touch of the unknown.

— Elias Canetti

A #GIRLBOSS knows when to throw punches and when to roll with them.

— Sophia Amoruso

I'm not afraid to move away from funny. I'm not afraid of that.

— Tracy Morgan

When you walk through life with a dirty mind, the simplest things seem funny

— Green Monk

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

— Kathy Lette

After 3 months of trying to learn a southern accent, it still comes out Jamaican

— Meller

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

— Karl Kraus