I'm always so impressed by people who can just stay super mellow and still be extremely funny. — Janet Varney Copy Share Image
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You can take anything, and if you explore it right, you can make it funny. — Kaitlin Olson Copy Share Image
Bastille Day is just like the Fourth of July except it takes place in France and we don't care about it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If I didn't kick his ass every day? he wouldn't be worth anything. — Hillary Clinton Copy Share Image
People say that things happen for a reason. So when I hit you up side the head, remember I had a reason. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
At fifteen, my mind was bent on learning. At thirty, I stood firm. At forty, I had no doubts. At fifty, I… — Confucius Copy Share Image
“I don’t know whose bright idea it was to turn the prom into a masquerade ball, but whoever it was, I’m going… — Melyssa Winchester Copy Share Image
Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it's like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Perrotte frowned. “I’d like to turn a plowshare into a sword ,” she said. “I’d cut our way out of those thorns,… — Merrie Haskell Copy Share Image
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
“I’m glad you’re gay,” she said solemnly, “because that way, if I can’t have you, no one can.” “Um, Rocher,” I mentioned,… — Paul Rudnick Copy Share Image
“Indeed. Oh, and Fal?” “Yeah?” “Get laid, while you’re up there, won’t you?” “Oh, God.” “Seriously. Your hymen’s going to grow back,… — Meg Maguire Copy Share Image
The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
