Quote by Jarod Kintz

““Excuse me, madam, but may I rub my erection up against your buttocks, because I mistakenly took Viagra thinking it was Vitamin C?””

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More by Jarod Kintz

“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?”

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“I wouldn’t love you if you were the last Sodomite in Gomorrah.”

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“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been…

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“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,…

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“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)”

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“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out…

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“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.”

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“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.”

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“Embossed letters represent the topography of typography.”

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“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.”

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“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other…

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“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg…

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