Quote by Garrison Keillor

““How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.””

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More by Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

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The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think…

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God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention.

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Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living.

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This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

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Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our…

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On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see,…

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“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.”

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English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.

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“If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.”

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“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”

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I don't want them to be told to remember me.

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