I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
She gave him such a look... Man oh man, if looks could kill. That one might have totalled a city block. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I'm of an age when if I started to do eulogies, I'd be doing nothing else. You don't want to be remembered?… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
You've got work to do. Don't put this off. And don't take the long view, here. You know? Life is today and… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
A person does feel sheepish picking on journalists, a class already so richly despised that if a planeload of them crashed in… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
In California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see, say,… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Have interesting failures… If you need to have a personal crisis have it now. Don't wait until midlife, when it will take… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The fundamental religion of most of mankind is the faith that God has revealed Himself to us and not to the barbarians.… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I was brought up imagining that cream rises to the top, merit wins out, the race is to the swift and riches… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
This is Democratic bedrock: we don't let people lie in the ditch and drive past and pretend not to see them dying.… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Second violins can play a concerto perfectly if they're in their own home and nobody's there. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
We'd all be alot happier if we'd stop assuming we're supposed to be happy. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
If you can't trust a Methodist with absolute power to arrest people and not have to say why, then whom can you… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
When you're old you feast on your memories, and if you spend too much time on exercise, you may get old and… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
It is more worthy in the eyes of God . . . if a writer makes three pages sharp and funny about… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Bravery and adventure! That's the ticket! Don't sit and gather moss. Get up, get out, do what you dream of doing, and… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
That's what I am, Frank thought, an ordinary genius. He had unlocked the secret of radio. The sport of the ordinary! Brillliant… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I thought A Prairie Home Companion would be an interesting thing to do for a summer or so. Public radio was just… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see,… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
