There's so many people who move around our country and lose track of their own ancestry. It's nice to know where you… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
This is Democratic bedrock: we don't let people lie in the ditch and drive past and pretend not to see them dying.… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
You've got work to do. Don't put this off. And don't take the long view, here. You know? Life is today and… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides? — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
I like to sing and it's just really fun to sing, and I don't get too much. And at my house I'm… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Dogs don't lie and why should I? Strangers come they growl and bark, they know their loved ones in the dark, Now… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
We are great mysteries. No matter what we imagine we may know, even for all the facts we might gather, we don't… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The problem with paradise is that it's temporary: You don't belong here and the neighbors are nobody you care to know, so… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see,… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
