Sarcastic Quotes

891 Sarcastic quotes by 449 unique authors

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? — George Carlin
We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it. — Roald Dahl
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? — George Carlin
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club,… — George Carlin
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin
I'm single because I was born that way. — Mae West
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. — Steven Wright
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. — Steven Wright
Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love. — Benjamin Disraeli
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered… — George Carlin
You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. — Barack Obama
I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones. — Oscar Wilde
It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. — Paul Newman
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty. — Marilyn Monroe
The cat looked as if it were about to say something sarcastic. Then it flicked its whiskers and said, "Challenge her. There's no guarantee she'll… — Neil Gaiman
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. — George Carlin
How is it possible to have a civil war? — George Carlin
I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction. — Mae West
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. — Jonathan Swift
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them… — George Carlin
I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse. — Barack Obama
Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer. — Oscar Wilde
I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress? — Mae West
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? — Mae West
I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde. — Mae West

Who Wrote These Sarcastic Quotes

449 authors contributed a total of 891 Sarcastic Quotes, led by these top contributors: