Steven Wright Quotes

314 quotes in 2724 categories

• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
• When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
• Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
• I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
• I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
• Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

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