« All Funny Quotes · Steven Wright's Page
Funny Quotes by Steven Wright
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
- If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
More Funny Quotes
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and… — Francis Bacon
- I find a lot of things kind of funny and I often say what's on my mind, and then get nine texts… — Kate Beckinsale
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams