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Me Quotes by Steven Wright
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and…
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
- When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
- If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
- Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
- My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
- What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense,…
- It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
- My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I…
- One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
- To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
- When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I…
More Me Quotes
- Don't be selfish and tell me why you're unfollowing me so I can retweet it for the rest and we all can… — Nikhil Saluja
- I don't know I really love u or not. But whenever I think about my life without u it kills me. Whenever… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me.… — Superman
- Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practice all the things I'd say to tell you… — Superman
- I realize my mistake when I lost you in the crowd. I felt the pain n loneliness when I lost you. U… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- Having been a child actor, I remember how directors would trick me to get good performances out of me. I don't think… — Asia Argento
- I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore… — Pietro Aretino
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams