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All Quotes by Steven Wright
- I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
- If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
- I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
- I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
- My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
- I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
- I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
- I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm…
- My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I…
- I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going…
- I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with…
- I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every…
- I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it…
- I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high,…
- When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it…
More All Quotes
- . . . a basic law: the more you practice the art of thankfulness, the more you have to be thankful for.… — Norman Vincent Peale
- Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are… — Aristotle
- Whenever my pocket money fall short. I start to think my life sucks. Then I think about all those out there who… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- Don't be selfish and tell me why you're unfollowing me so I can retweet it for the rest and we all can… — Nikhil Saluja
- All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. — Aristotle
- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- I realize my mistake when I lost you in the crowd. I felt the pain n loneliness when I lost you. U… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- Wise people, even though all laws were abolished, would still lead the same life. — Aristophanes