Steven Wright Quotes
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and…
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.