Steven Wright Quotes

314 quotes in 2724 categories

• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign…
• I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
• When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• At one point he decided enough was enough.
• Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
• George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
• Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• I invented the cordless extension cord.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
• I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
• My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

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